#407

i'm so fuckin' sick!!

#306

so i'm watching last week's episode of house, and number thirteen said fibromyalgia as a diagnosis!

#193

happy turkey day! [imagine i said it yesterday]

i spent the holiday at my sister's new condo in staten island. carlene and my little stinky, valerie, cooked the whole dinner. i was starving, and had to wait for her new boyfriend to get there. larry. not my taste, but he's cool. he's a loyal adidas patron. sparky was a pain in my ass for a while, but he's sparky. [damn dog.]

there were no mashed potatoes--highly upsetting--but i threw down on that turkey and vegetable lasagna. val made a broccoli and spinach quiche, which turned out pretty good. my aunt's pumpkin pie definitely hit the spot. i packed up my tupperwear and it's waiting for me in the fridge.

so i'm still in staten island. i'm on the couch, eating left overs for breakfast, and i've decided i'm calling out from work. my fibro went on the fritz last night and i know i can't make it through the day running behind tourists. i'll just take the lost on the money.

yesterday was mommy's birthday. fifty one. after my shift got cut [thanks, danny] i hit crumbs and got her four extra big ass cupcakes: snickers, devil dog, caramel apple, and cosmo. she enjoyed her bouquet of colorful roses, too.

so in a matter of about a week and a half after the exhibit, i've conversed with travis and karla about four times--collectively. am i in the wrong? definitely not--but ask if i care. they hurt me, so i have every right to be pissed as hell. karla called me out on being bitter and annoyed. c'est la vie.

chinchilla and i knocked out my whole powerpoint presentation for my african art class in a night. i swear, i love her to death. she met me at starbucks after winston's class then we relocated to her place. [i got sasha to sign me in for chime's class.] we ended up driving around, taking winter to school and whatnot for about an hour, so we didn't get back to work until about ten. i definitely got home at 3a.m.

i'm getting my lazy ass up. i'll finish later . .

#172

ok i'm back. i've been putting this off for eons. so much happened, i have no clue where to start. i'm about to seriously backtrack in no particular order.


midterms are done.


c - fashion merchandising and control
65 - fashion merchandising
68 - african art history

on my defense, these shits were hard as hell. for fashion merchandising, the highest grade was a 73. for african art history, professor wilson said everyone did poorly, but the essays were good. fashion merchandising and control, my calculations were completely off, since we weren't allowed to use a damn calculator. i'm waiting for one more grade. if i make it to class tomorrow, i'll get it.



a pic from the shoot with carl.





i'm shooting with patt thomas tomorrow afternoon. mikey's coming with me. this girl in class called us jack and karen. we definitely are. i heart him to pieces.


sick as always. it seems like it's always something with me, when it really is only one thing. millz said i need to stop using the word "flare" in reference to my fibro because it sounds like it's some crazy shit. that was hilarious. i miss her.



my dominique came home for a weekend! she met naquan, and she approves. yay! we went to stand [he paid for dinner before he had to meet his cousins] then we walked around union square, as usual.


halloween, my goodness. joan's face was blue and jason was lil' wayne with the painted face, drawn tattoos, and dreaded wig. nat's costume changed a million times, and by the time i got there, she was wearing gold panties? chris was supposed to be cat woman, but the country's in a recession. but i must say, the dasslers do go in.

zie's coming back to the east coast from holly-hood in a few weeks! i miss my little white chocolate cunt cake. she's been gone since march? april? something like that. she has a tattoo appointment: upside-down hearts on the back of her calves, so they're rightside-up when her legs are up in the air. my little fresh ass. i'm thinking about going with her. tattooing my ear? maybe?


thought: if you and a certain someone are "prospects" to one another, but to anyone on the outside looking in, you seem to be in a relationship, is that a just cause to proceed?

started planning dorian and clark's wedding. i have less than a year, and this is my first destination wedding. i also have to finish sasha's twenty first birthday party.

exhibit next weekend. super excited. mikey helped with my outfit =]

i love the poeple in my life. some of you guys, we only talk once in a blue, but i do appreciate your presence. muah . .

i don't have anything of much consequence to discuss, probably because i've procrastinated for so long. until next time . . .

#129

it's ridiculous how i'm feeling right now. as i sit on my living room floor with a heavy heart, i try to understand why life's complexes are the way they are.

i'm in pain: emotionally, not so much psychically--for once.

they way i am, the way i was raised, leaves me in a position where i'm open and ready and willing to love and give whole heartedly. the men in my life, at the drop of a dime; i'll do anything for, and by the way i treat them, they know. sometimes, i surprise myself with the lengths i'd go to make someone happy. i think people take me for granted. i've probably said that before, but the notion still remains. i look at people and their relationships and their love lives, and i swear, i'd give anything for a piece of what they have. why can't i be taken care of, the way i've taken care of so many others. i don't need it, but i want it more than anything. i know my life isn't perfect right now, but the feeling of being cared for would make this so much easier . . .

#114

4am. can't sleep. yet, again.

sore throat. i hate it. i used to get the all the time when i was a lot younger. it's definitely one of my top three ways i hate to be sick.

i got home with the illest migraine last night--again. when i have these chronic migraines, i can't eat just anything. i was craving mac and cheese, as i do every day, but the nausea wouldn't allow that. steamed dumplings and white rice from the hood chinese store. [i don't live in the hood, so i guess it's more of the local chinese take-out restaurant?] half of the bus ride home, i was definitely debating whether or not to invest the time and money on some pork dumplings [that i've never had] when i usually eat chicken and/or shrimp dumplings when i go out for thai. those chinos love when i come in. it's very rare, but they enjoy seeing a polite, dark person. i got home and went straight to my room with my beloved carbs, stuffed my face, and passed out.

so just when i thought my day couldn't get any better, yesterday, on the way out, my father says some schizo, suicidal shit, after he asks a question about his health. what was said will not be disclosed, but best believe, it shook me the fuck up. music asked me to come back uptown. i declined. i just wanted to get home.

my joints hurt. fuck . . .

#102

my shift got cut, and class wasn't as much of a drag as it usually is. the afternoon was spent with my mikey. i got the baby name book from barnes and noble, and he helped me pick out my outfit for the baby shower from american apparel. of course, leave it up to a gay guy to pick out something fiercely simple. i did some cleaning, got started on some homework, caught up on my gossip girl and one tree hill, and had me a big bowl of trix.

i really do have this obsession with my curls.

the night's ending with me having a really uneasy feeling . . .

#96

one of the side effects of a flare: swollen hands. i can't get my marc jacobs bubble ring off. =[

#95

yes i'm sick.

yet again.

the fibro's flaring up.
for those who don't know, google it. i'm definitely not in the mood for explanations. [or maybe i've just explained it too many times. either way, go enlighten yourself.]

aside from the fibro, i'm cramping like a bitch. i'm sitting on the library floor with my shoes off & a thermo-pack heating pad thing strapped on me like a bomb. just a few more days...

umm; so what's new...

the family went to the hosue upstate last weekend, so i decided to have girls' night. kay flopped, as usual, annd sarah came out of pitty? dunno, but it led to a fight by monday, about how "it's not about me" and my dried chicken breasts i made for dinner. [if i have the idea to host any type of gathering, stop me. please.]

shanice is pregnant! she and andre are having a baby-something! she doesn't want to know, but andre does. i spent about a hour in barnes and nobles looking at baby name books to get her. shannon ava. [her choice, not mine, so ha] their shower's in two weeks. that's enough time to get a gift from her registry, an outfit for myself, and my hair and nails done. i spent the majority of friday night on the phone with her while she craved thai food from lemongrass and waited for andre to bring it home. i love her to bits. i'm so excited.

i made my week! [just had to let that be known.]

today's youth just upsets me. my goodness. within the past few days, i've managed to come across some of the most disgusting types of young adults i have ever seen in my life. these two girls were passing this pint bottle of some alcoholic substance back and forth, screaming "chug," on a train at 7:30 in the evening, while discussing methods of 'fucking him up.' am i the only one that sees something wrong with this picture? i literally shook my head in disappointment. that reminded me of a time back in high school, while i was on the train with my friends going home after school, there was a group of girls who were extremely loud and rowdy. my friends got off the train to transfer to a different line, but i stayed on, since i was the only one that lived on that side. as the train pulled into the station at the last stop, an older woman, probably in her mid-late forties, scooted over next to me and said "i'm glad to see you and your friends aren't like them." that felt really good. being classified with people that think it's remotely attractive to carry on in a train, at any time of day, is the mark of a downfall in your life. mental suicide? potentially.

my biffle, cory b. i'm in desperate need of a cory hug. i hearts you.

more pain. my shoulders are killing me. off to class.

#90

i"ll be gone for a while. i'm sick--it's too much to explain. i'm still taking my pics. i heart youz.

#85

9.11

i registered to vote.

i miss my uncle billy.

it's been seven years.

this is weird.

had he not gone to work, he'd still be here.

i love you.

#82

the hat i bought a few weeks ago. i love it. turned a few heads. broke a few necks. felt quite fly, if i do say so myself.

so i got a write up yesterday. i was prepared to spill all the details, but i don't have the energy. music and i spoke about it for a while. he went into detail about the upper echelon of retail, and how being penalized the way i did was reasonable. i'm definitely not saying it wasn't. i guess i'm just a little upset.

i went home sick today. stress, malnourishment, and the sucky weather today just added to it. i really need to get on lyrica or cymbalta or something. so now i'm laying in bed, watching all mu cwtv shows. no homework tonight, since i did my assignment due tomorrow on the train this morning. gossip girls, 90210, and america's next top model will be keeping me company until music gets home from school.

weirdness. i just feel like laying here, singing at the top of my lungs, and crying.

so i ate half a chicken burrito from chipotle and a beef patty from golden crust today. i'm debating whether i need to eat again for the night. yesterday i ate four bags of chips, a cupcake, a bag of gummy bears, a bottle of nantucket lemonade, a yogurt, and a pack of twix. oh yea--gotta love my diet.

s and a? eh--s and c? maybe. i heart you sano . . .

#25

this blog may potentially not make sense; it's just a bunch of random things—whatever comes to mind.

roxy and i drove around aimlessly on thursday—her errands, not mine. lots of random pics of the city. very much tourist-esque. she found her party dress while i tried on dresses out of bordeom. the party was fun. there was horrible food, a wack ass dj, but we sure did wild the fuck out. carlene shaved her head, tricia cussed out the dj, and no one could tell roxy and i apart. my girls and my family; what more could a girl ask for? of course, there had to be that one person to ask for "my light-skinned counterpart." i'm officially done with that. i can't afford to lose any more sleep or cry any more tears. i told carlene about the whole ordeal, then i told her about zion. she flipped; not because of robert having a two-year old son—as i thought she might have—but because i supported his ass and his kid, and he's so friggen ungrateful, and he has the audassity to just disappear.

i think i should stop cursing in my blogs. that'll be a test.

my trefoil charm popped off my phone. sad much?

i caught one of my mini bitch fits at work. mother dearest just upsets me with everything relating to life and her views of "the real world" that i can't control it sometimes. i cried a little in the stockroom at work today. she just puts so much pressure on me. now, i understand she wants the best for me, but i’m young—let me live a little. please?

daddy’s having the surgery for his parkinson’s on the 19th, so my sister’s flying up this week. we definitely do not get along. everyone knows she’s the favorite, and she hates me because i’ve had daddy my whole life. the warden sibling rivalry is weird, since we all hate each other for our own reasons. but my pride is my best friend and i’ll be the bitch to say i am the more fortunate child—not in the financial respect, because that’s definitely my oldest brother. i’ve gotten the chance to build a better relationship with my father—not saying that i have—since my parents have been married for about twenty-five years, i’m the only child that even went to high school, is in college now, while maintaining a job, and i don’t have kids. between my three siblings, i have five nieces and nephews. i do, in part, owe that to my upbringing, but, call me selfish if you must, that’s not really enough. my father didn’t come to my high school graduation because he wasn’t feeling well, but he sure as hell got himself on a plane and flew to barbados to attend some corrections officer training completion ceremony for my sister [who isn’t even working as a c.o. now.] let cecile call and ask daddy for anything, he’ll get it for her, but he’ll always ask me for money. my mother can easily pull out her ass and drop a grand to fly her, the step child who talks endless amounts of bullshit about her, to new york, but let me ask for just a metro card or five dollars, and there’s a problem. my sister is friggen thirty years old with two kids, no job, and living with some man; is it too much to ask for a little support in anything i do from my parents? i just want some feeling of acceptance.

enough with the depressing shit . . .

mac and cheese and calamari—lunch was banging today. i love le basket.

these losers i call my co-workers—good times, man, good times. so there’s this weird old white guy, steve. he just makes the most slack, sexual, comments. he said some shit about waking up with someone’s tongue in your butthole. i almost killed myself with laughter when marlon told me that shit. it was a conversation about ridiculous survival techniques, and the butthole comment was steve’s two cents. toya and i were looking at cassie’s fast ass in complex at lunch, and old-man steve couldn’t put his eyes back into his head. i always seem to get the same lunch hour as him, which is quite disturbing to me. i really do try to avoid him—definitely not going near the elevators [that have no cameras.] but the stock guys are worst. i always seem to walk in at the most inappropriate times, catching the conversations at their peaks; things like chasing booty and looking up at me while she’s giving me head. gotta love it.

bowling with the losers on friday. it’s odessa’s peace out event. i’ll miss her.

hair show on saturday. practice tomorrow. i’m pooped . . .

#10

i'm feeling a whole lot better. i got some azo and cranberry juice. ::phew::
so i sat on the toilet for about four hours. now i'm still feeling the pain in my hips. i need to get some sleep. i have a hella long day ahead of me. there's a lot of decorating and setting up to do for the shower. gag me with a spoon.

#9

i'm finally off the potty. i think.

#8

so yes, i was on the potty with my laptop when i posted the last one. my laptop died, it's fully charged again, and i'm still sitting here. now my ass hurts. i've tinkled about 15 times. this is the worst thing for a female. wait, there's labor. never mind. there needs to be a drive-thru duane reade so i can get some azo on my way to jersey. i'm watching old madtv spoofs on youtube. there's nothing else for me to do while i'm sitting here dying.

#7

ooohhh emmmm geeeeeee
i have a uti. a woman's worst nightmare.
fuckk...