#246

i'm at the studio with sidney. usually i'm in a great mood when i'm around him, or even in the studio, but not today. i hate skinny, tall bitches. karla, don't give me that shit about kate moss starting the 5'7" thing and that marketable face business, because it's not working this time. i love this industry and i'm definitely not in it for the money, but in a situation where you rely on your looks to get you by--and you don't feel so great about that sometimes--what are you to do? there's a really great photographer called milkman, and he's shooting at sidney's studio for a new makeup line. they held a casting for three girls this morning, and might i say, their representation for the afro-centric side was atrocious. shorty's lucky i don't know her name. but any way, last week, sid and i were talking about getting me in for the shoot and he hit up milkman--and that thought ended there. [sidebar: i don't want to be the model who's dating a photographer for the perks and connections.] what can i say: my facial structure isn't the best and my skin looks like shit, my body has no definition at all, and all most photographers are obsessed with is my mobility and the fact that i'm a dancer. so my knees can touch my head; big whoop. sometimes i feel like i'm restricted to urban modeling, and those who know me know i'm far from urban.

my darling nakeya posted something on her blog pertaining to the industry, which i thought was so coincidental [or ironic, since i never use the two correctly.] she basically discusses ideal beauty: being tall and thin, small noses and lips, and protruding hip bones. then she goes on to describe the average black female, with full lips, curved hips, and fat asses. now nothing's wrong with that--everyone has their definition of beauty, but maybe i like the protruding hip bones. i remember over the summer, when my clavicle was protruding, mother dearest threw a fit. i loved the way i looked then. i know i've done some damage in the pass to get the body i want, but i don't regret it one bit. if i had the will power to do it again, i definitely would. yes, i crash diet and starve, but it works for me. i'm lazy--very lazy. so if laying in bed and not having the energy to get my ass up to find something to eat is my way of shedding pounds, then so be it.

lately, i can't begin to tell you the shit i've been eating. i've been on this arroz con habichuelas binge lately. i bought some last night with naica from la cabana. i didn't even eat half of it, only because i know i can do without having that in my system.

i swear i feel like crying, as if i didn't do enough of that yesterday morning. i just have a whole lot on my mind.

i'll be back later. i'm probably going to take a nap and cry some more.