#22

so much shit went down. dominique and i saw step brothers [your voice sounds like fergie and jesus], i started working at the adidas performance store, i went to one of the infamous basketball games the dassler boys participate in at chelsea piers, danny made an attempt to find Robert, i did my weave, roxanne made mommy buy a new dress, right before she called off the wedding, i invited like 90 people to a wedding reception turned going away party, and i got my nails wrapped, a pedicure, and my eyebrows done—finally. now for the break down . . .

step brothers was absolutely hilarious. sick and twisted humor is always amusing to me. dominique and i were cracking up like retards. we tend to quote movies for days after we see it. earlier that day, i technically pimped her to some 18 year old [in my defense, i he was a cute, mature looking 18 year old. how was i really supposed to know he was still in high school?]

performance is boring as hell. we do retarded shit to entertain us [shucking and jiving, according to greg] i ended up staying for an extra hour and a half on sunday, just because greg asked me to. he bought me coffee after work, then we hung out at the chelsea piers basketball court. turns out, every sunday and wednesday, the guys play after work. they’re usually there past midnight. for a first timer, it was pretty exciting. pop and some other dude kept talking shit; i swore someone was getting snuffed by the end of the night. well, my assumption was correct—but it wasn’t with pop—it was aussie and some other dude. i don’t remember who swung first, but tall, lanky ass brian tried to tap dude [yes, i said dude, with the illest hood thought] in the back of his head. had he not missed, he could’ve killed him—according to flop and dion. and that’s when greg flung me out the way and ran to jump in, in case anyone else tried to. when everything calmed down, he came back to sit with me and told me to walk out if they started fighting again. that basically put a damper on the rest of the night, since the other guys left us dasslers at the court. i hopped in dion’s car with flop and two other guys and hitched a ride into brooklyn.

yesterday at work, danny texted me on some “where’s tizz” type business. seriously? i’ve never had danny text me to find robert. i don’t even want to speak on this; that’s just how upset i am. today’s danny’s birthday. after i wished him a happy one, i said: “sudden thought; if your cousin doesn’t hit you up for your bday, he's just proving how much of a truly fucked up individual he is . . .” danny definitely agreed with me. as predictable as robert is, i’m thinking that is exactly what happened. i’ll definitely update on that later.

i did my weave when i got home after work. i’m hawt. then we went to lohman’s to get mommy a new dress because roxanne didn’t like the one she bought from macy’s. about an hour or two after we got home, roxy came into the room to tell me and naica that the wedding’s off. they called it off once before, but this time, it’s sticking. it’s something about his church—which i’m totally not understanding—but that’s the cause of this whole thing. maybe this is just the season for break-ups. so this morning, roxy comes into my room to tell me to invite all my friends because we’re still having a party—her fare well party—since she’s already paid for the catering hall, photographer, dj, and florist, and can’t get her money back. so while i was getting my pedicure, i made some calls, did some texting, and invited whoever i could think of. this should be amusing. [expect an update on this by sunday.]

after the beauty treatments and picking up my dress from korin [thanks for the alterations] we drove to valley stream to return whatever we could from the wedding to walmart, then target. naica came along for the ride. we ended up at the good ol’ target pizza hut. i forced myself to eat a personal pizza, and i was full after eating half; i pushed myself to eat a third slice, which definitely made me sick. i watched her as she was putting away bread sticks and sausage pizza. i just had to ask: “where are you putting all of that?” what came out of her mouth next was one of the most offensive things i’ve ever heard in my life: ". . . i'm not striving for anorexia . . . because of dumb bitches like you, little girls are sticking their fingers down their throats . . ." all i could say was “more power to ‘em, if that’s what they do,” and i left it at that. regardless of what i may do, saying something like that is still not cool.

so now, i’m sitting in my bed, upset, offended, and nauseated. that’s enough blogging for now.

#21

when the rain is blowing in your face
and the whole world is on your case
i could offer you a warm embrace
to make you feel my love
when the evening shadows and the stars appear
and there is no one there to dry your tears
i could hold you for a million years
to make you feel my love
i know you haven't made your mind up yet
but i would never do you wrong
i've known it from the moment that we met
no doubt in my mind where you belong
i'd go hungry
i'd go black and blue
i'd go crawling down the avenue
no, there's nothing that i wouldn't do
to make you feel my love
the storms are raging on the rolling sea
and on the highway of regret
though winds of change are throwing wild and free
you ain't seen nothingLike me yet
i could make you happy
make your dreams come true
nothing that i wouldn't do
go to the ends of the earth for you
to make you feel my love


*this song will always make me think of robbie. fuck . . .

#20

so it turns out that sleeping at night and i don’t get along? eh . . . so i’m staring at the computer for no apparent reason. just thinking. a slight headache’s coming along.

now would be the ideal time to blog about things like my relationship. i feel like i’ve been putting it off because i don’t want to admit that i’ve, maybe, lost control. robert and i happened so fast; us meeting and getting together seemed like one swift motion.

last night, naica asked when he proposed to me. it wasn’t a real proposal. he didn’t get down on one knee—not that i want that sort of cliché proposal, because i don’t—and he sure as hell didn’t have a ring. where would he get it from—the gum ball machine? it was, literally, a carrie and bigs type proposal from the sex and the city movie. it was more of a discussion, a negotiation, a business transaction, a deal for the rest of our lives. we were supposed to be married after i turn 24 and have our first child together before i turn 26. we’d always talk about making zion a big brother. i wanted a little girl: yuri rios. it’s funny when i’d see kids on the street that resemble me or him, or a blend of the two. on our way to the beach last week, we saw this adorable little girl sleeping on the train. even kay said she looks like a rios offspring.

maybe things would be so much easier if i didn’t already have it planned out in my head. that’s my problem. i tend to plan my whole life; have this architectural set up, down to the tee. when things go off course, it feels like the end of the world, everything’s upside down. it’s weird. i don’t really know why i do that.

one morning around 4am, i was watching er on my laptop, and one of the doctors had her son brought in, unconscious. when he regained consciousness, he just cried and bawled and wailed. i cried and bawled and wailed right along with him. [it was more of a sob, actually] i just thought about zion. i remember that day i had him with me. every time i think about that day, i get teary-eyed. with a belly-full of veggie tale fruit snacks, hand-fed cold cuts, and orange juice, he took his only nap for the weekend laying on me. i remember screaming at rob for playing around with his football team when we needed to start getting ready to go to dinner, and zion ran up next to me and started screaming “robbie!” [it sounded more like wobbie, but it was the cutest thing, none the less] rob and i would joke about running away together, and he’d always say we’d have to make pit stop in allentown to get zion. maybe if zion wasn’t involved, this would be less painful.

i know i’m young, and I’ve been told that i shouldn’t be worrying about who i’ll be spending the rest of my life with. i’m not worrying; i have my mind made up. i know may sound quite psycho and it sounds like i may be experiencing what they call an unrequited love, but you’d understand if you were in my shoes and if you experienced what i’ve experienced with men in general, then meeting robert. i’m not this way because of my emotions, only. rob’s told me he wished he’d put a ring on my finger first. [yes, he was engaged to zion’s mother, but he caught her cheating—literally, caught in the act.] he’s told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and have a family. i’ve never had any male encourage me to follow my dreams. [fuck, now i’m crying.] he told me he wanted to take care of me. it just hurts to bad. this whole flip came way out of left field. i know i deserve better, and probably, there are plenty of men out there that can do that for me, but i don’t think i want to find them.

#19

for someone that went to bed at 6am, woke up four hours later, and has been complaining about how tired she is, i can't seem to put down this computerized device.

#18

another retarded aim convo with eL:

eL: so.. i'll finallllly get my car backand no longer be home.
moi: you're never home anyway
eL: yeaa true, but on the weekends -- i used to wait til [my aunt] was done w. the car & shit.. not anymore. im just proud i lasted most of the summer w/o my whip. it really humbled me for a brief second, then i realized there are still cabs.
moi: lmao at your humbling experience
eL: lmao. when i had to take the bus, that was the first time in 5 yrs. thank god the metrocard has directions on how to put it in. cuz i was so lost . . . i called shayna & she told me to look on the damn metrocard -- it says it there. and i was like ohhh shit.

#17

gucci glasses on. blah blah blah. i spent the day in the city with my cousins. yes, i was supposed to be with ames, kay, and trav—yes, kay was bringing trav—but ames promised her guy friend she’d hang out with him, and kay and trav, having no phones, never showed up? ehh . . . so i was with the fam: my older cousin, candice, her daughter, chevon, and chevon’s friend, danee. we went to my job to get my check, and chevon and danee copped some kicks, then i bought this really cute mini dress from forever 21 for the reception. we walked around soho some more, i cursed some lady out in the guess store for cutting the line—so out of my character—and danee got a dress for some sweet sixteen she’ll be attending on sunday. from soho, we ended up in the west village at marc jacobs, my safe haven. robert has me so upset; i bought another pair of flip flops and a bute bubble ring. [do understand that the amount of money that i deserve to have spent on me, his ass can’t afford to. of course, i can do it for myself—but never do. when we first started dating, i usually paid for everything; but that’s definitely a whole other blog to come.] i bought myself something that i really didn’t need, which usually does the trick. then we headed to starbucks to use their bathroom, and ended flipping on the frap-making-people for being such fuck-ups. the train ride home was the funniest. i was so sleepy, i was delirious. i was bouncing around, grabbing headphones, dancing on train doors and expressing the inner stripper in me. now i'm laying in my bed, admiring my purchases, and dreading the next few purchases i'll be making, since they're solely for the wedding on friday.

just agenda blogging for now—definitely not in the mood to blog about my feelings for this half-assed boyfriend i have and how much i miss his amazing son.

#16

things are weird. my boyfriend isn't really being a boyfriend at all right about now. that leaves me no choice but to continue my life the way i see fit. that's all i'm saying about it.
monday was work, then practice for the show.

tuesday, i laid in bed all friggen day.

wednesday, i hung out with sano. after she registered for classes, she came over, i did her hair, then we headed to the city. i dropped of that wretched maid of honor dress to korin at adidas, but got nothing done to it because i showed up there almost two hours later than she asked me to. then we went to my favorite art store, blick on bond street. i got a new sketch book, pencils, and erasers. then we headed back to my house, ate caribbean food—surprisingly, i actually craved it—and watched america’s best dance crew. she went home and i worked on finalizing my remodeling plans.

today, i laid in bed—again. i doodled in my sketch book, took a really good nap, did some more doodling, made chicken parmesan for mommy and i, and now i’m here.

tomorrow’s a potentially good day. i have to swing by korin at the store so she can measure the hem, then i’m hanging out with special kay and ames—and travis? i love my best friend dearly, but this is girls’ day damnit. so dinner at who knows where.

back to my sketch book.

#15

where do we go from here
we're at the crossroads, my dear
where do we go from here?
maybe you won't go, maybe you'll stay
oh i know i'm gonna miss you either ways
it's such a lonely road
where do we go from here?
all i can do is - follow the tracks of my tears
oh when i cry your name
am i crawling in bed
oh and am i waiting only to drown in pain
oh don't you do it
no, said don't you leave me this way
i don't know
if i can lift my head and face another day
ooh it's such a lonely road
where do we go from here?
all i can do is - follow the tracks of my tears
you seem now the kind of girl who's lost and looking for direction
who could this be? staring at me
when i'm looking in the mirror trying to find a resolution
me too far gone, to find my way home
where do we go from here?
all i can do is - follow the tracks of my tears

*just how i'm feeling right now, i guess. be back later.

#14

i spent the day at the beach with my skinny bitches. yes amy, you have a skinny friend to go out with now. absolutely the most fun i've had in a while. we went on a man-hunt for an atm machine, drank $12 pina coladas with ridiculous amounts of rum in it, ate expensive boardwalk food to cushion the liqs, killed a whole can of tanning oil, saw a rabbit with a dolphin tail which kay called a ralphin, but was really a searabbit named searab, used a subway restroom while amy kept singing "all the girls standing in the line for the bathroom," sprayed down a fart on the train, screaming and doing animal mating calls in the pina colada cups which attracted some weird old man, and i got shitted on—literally. good times. definitely doing it again. i love my bitches. now i'm laying in bed, dead tired. but i got nice tan lines =]

#13

for someone that went to bed at 4am, i sure am up pretty early. i have so much shit to do today, and i'm still in bed. procrastinating.

wednesday, i got off work at 4pm, even though i was scheduled until 3, and took my sweet ass time walking from soho, through noho, through the east village, to end up in the flatiron district. i was texting el the whole time, since she was under the dryer with rollos in her hair. i hit up sano; she and simone were in the area, so we headed over to stand on east 12th to grab something to eat. mini burgers are cool. they're literally two-bite burgers. no cheese. just a pickle and a meat patty. at least they put ketchup. and they have these toasted marshmellow milkshakes. i wasn't so amazed by the mere thought, so i tasted sano's. it's definitely an acquired taste. i was really confused by it. it tasted kinda sour? who knows. by the time i finally made it to the flatiron district it was 5:50. i had a meeting for the hair show. i met some of the new girls. not to thrilled about them. shanel calls me her prime meat and tends to run comments on the other models by me. ehh...

yesterday i did not a damn thing. all day. i was very pleased with my productivity. i watched tv on my laptop, took a long ass nap, and cleared mad shit from my checklist for the wedding.

today's quite grand for me. dinner date with my best friend-in law. she's leaving work early so we can cook and be fat. shrimp and pasta and ice cream; oh my! we're going to the beach tomorrow with her sisters. her pasty ass needs some sun, and i need some more color for the wedding. so i have to clean my bathroom and put away the laundry in the basement so i won't have to worry about it tomorrow.

random thought: i need to take my dress to the tailor around the corner.

my darling boyfriend, how i miss him so. things aren't really getting easier for him. i speak to him here and there. i spoke to him for a bit today, until his sidekick went idle. i hate that. he said he misses me. i just wish things didn't have to go down the way they did. i may not see him for a while, which is ok with me, i guess, as long as he's alive and has somewhere to sleep at night, which is the main problem that started this shit. who knows what will happen next. allentown bound?

#12

hAPPY biRfDAY CORY b.!

#11

so i went to bed around 3 am. i was just awaken by friggen people banging on my house. fuck.

on a positive note...one of the most amazing people i know. my lovely cory b.; dancer, choreographer, and one of my best friends. this bitch will be in my wedding. she so reminds me of kherington from so you think you can dance. we met at adidas, and from day one, we've been inseperable. my boobie's moving back to dallas. i'm heartbroken. she's leaving august 5th. she's the new dance teacher at centre for dance. at least robbie and i will have a reason to vacation down there. i do have cousins down there, but they're grown; they can come to new york. ugh; i'm soo missing my bizzle.

so until i figure out how to put the dame video up, here's the link for one. she's on the right in the grey. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85b0aw1-PBw

#10

i'm feeling a whole lot better. i got some azo and cranberry juice. ::phew::
so i sat on the toilet for about four hours. now i'm still feeling the pain in my hips. i need to get some sleep. i have a hella long day ahead of me. there's a lot of decorating and setting up to do for the shower. gag me with a spoon.

#9

i'm finally off the potty. i think.

#8

so yes, i was on the potty with my laptop when i posted the last one. my laptop died, it's fully charged again, and i'm still sitting here. now my ass hurts. i've tinkled about 15 times. this is the worst thing for a female. wait, there's labor. never mind. there needs to be a drive-thru duane reade so i can get some azo on my way to jersey. i'm watching old madtv spoofs on youtube. there's nothing else for me to do while i'm sitting here dying.

#7

ooohhh emmmm geeeeeee
i have a uti. a woman's worst nightmare.
fuckk...

#6

i’m freakishly sleepy. i got home at 6 from spending an amazing few hours with the love of my life. we laid in bed & watched hancock—the bootleg. i’m glad i didn’t pay to see that shit. it’s actually quite stupid. super heroes and married siblings; it’s a hot ass mess. so after sitting thru that, we started it over—to drown out the sounds of, umm, you know. then we took pics. well, he took pics—of me, if you catch my drift. then we talked about what would happen between us if he moved back to pennsylvania. i have no intentions of us breaking up just because he’s two hours away, and i’m happy the feeling’s mutual. then he laid on me, which made me cry. i haven’t been able to sleep easily in days because i’ve been so worried about him. he wiped my tears, as usual because his girlfriend’s a big baby, and then we continued our little photo shoot. then came round two, followed by more pics—normal ones, kinda. ha. the sex is amazing with him, and what makes it even better is that he means so much to me. we talked about weekending at his dad’s. I’m cool with it, i just don’t know how his dad will feel—i’ll keep you posted.

so tomorrow’s a big day for us. the 11th of every month is big. it’s just our thing. i haven’t decided on tomorrow night’s plans, but i have to pick up my check, hit the bank, and get our gift for roxanne and monty’s couples shower. i’m thinking, late night sushi at the promenade or brooklyn bridge park. we’ll get home around 2am and pass out in my living room—accidentally. i’ll make breakfast, as usual, then we’ll make cup cakes for the shower that day. this should be fun…not really.

and i have to get that ugly ass bridesmaids’ dress for the wedding. i hate it. you’d think as the maid of honor, i’d get to look different. nope. this shit’s obscenely hideous. i’ll have to sit there and figure out how to change it, but as is, it’s ridiculous. but my robbie will be there, so i’m excited for that.

so i’m just blogging until i fall asleep. i really could use a nap. i’m worn out.

hair show. august 9th. the meeting went well. i met a few of the other girls; they’re not what i’m used to when i go to go sees, but i guess it’s not that kind of party. it’s basically runway work, but instead of the focus being on the clothes, it’s on the hair. shanel, the stylist, said i’m her rocker girl. she likes my haircut, and she’s adding purple tracks to it. funny thing; i’m the skinniest girl there, yet, she keeps telling me not to eat. does this bitch not know that i’m a size 2 and 120 pounds, unlike the rest of her models? this other girl there was a size 7, and when i asked her if she got the same critique, she said no and looked at me like she was shocked and appalled—not my fault, honey.

so you think you can dance is starting, then america’s best dance crew. i’m out this bitch.

#5

as i sit up in bed and eat my left-over organic mac and cheese—yes, that exists—i’m mentally preparing myself to spend the day with the man i call my boyfriend. last night, i had one of my teary-eyed, epiphany-like moments; i know plenty of people what want what robbie and i have, and i’m so grateful and happy to have him in my life. he came back to his grandparent’s house to pack some of his stuff, so i swung by. it was more of a ten minute troop; it was pouring, and you’d think that the big ass umbrella i had would keep my dry. if it wasn’t so big and kept getting stuck in trees, plus it was hot like molasses and ass so i was sweating, i might have been decent. but instead of robbie seeing me for the first time in two weeks with dry, silky hair—i had a frizzy, curly bun, and my clothes were soaked. he noticed the weight i lost. he had the most hilarious reaction; he touched my stomach and said "oh shit! it's gone!" as retarded as he is, no wonder i love him.
i’m done stuffing my face. time to get ready. pics coming tonight.

#4

i guess i’m somewhat the spoiled brat. i guess i have it remotely easy. financially, my life isn’t as lavish as some people think, but i get by. i have a roof over my head and somewhere to sleep every night, food on the table, and clothes on my back.

so i spent the majority of the day crying—and sleeping, only because i kept crying myself back to sleep. my amazing future husband is going through a really hard time, and i feel so helpless because i can’t help him in the one way i want to. this is just so frustrating. i’ve been hit with the hard realization that life isn’t fair. because of everything going on, he might have to go back to pennsylvania and thinks he’ll end up leaving me behind in new york. allentown isn’t that far; we’ve taken the bus ride before to pick up zion. i’ll do it again, any time, if it means i can be with robbie. i love him and we’ll be together no matter what. here come the tears again.

#3

moi: i have chinese girl hair. this shit is pin straight.
eL: chinese hair is more silky. you have weave hair.
moi: but weave comes from china.
eL: yea but not from chinese people.
moi: but weave's from china.
eL: most weave hair comes from indonesia, india and korea. it's packaged in china.
moi: korea's in asia.
eL: yes, asia is the continent.
moi: problem solved

now without these beings i call friends, i'd have dull aim convos.

#2

i'm such an advocate for love; call me cupid's cheerleader, if you will. i've just always been the type to do things whole heartedly. being single was never really my thing. having that sense of companionship was such an adrenalin rush to me. in past relationships, i've been known to give up when things got sticky—no pun intended. i thought i came across those guys that i'd spend the rest of my life with; of course, i was young and immature and people do change. after a few of those came kemar. i thought it was time to quit the casual dating, the bouncing around from guy to guy, so i settled. settled down? not exactly—just settled for less than i deserve. some part of me always knew kemar wasn't the one i'd grown old with, but it was a nice picture—sometimes. the breakup was fairly easy—on my part at least. isn't that what matters in the end? he gave me my exit and i took advantage of it. my family hated him; they never thought he was right for me. no one did. but of course, everyone tells me after the breakup. then came along robbie, my current boyfriend. he's such an amazing guy. any girl would be lucky to have him—and luck is my lady. in him, i've found my best love—my last love. i've never had this feeling of self-worth before he came along. i've always settled for whatever came my way. with him, i've never had to settle for decent treatment. he hands me happiness on a silver platter. my family loves him; they're not tollerating him for my sake. they even said it. my aunt admitted that she wants us together. he hasn't always been around when i needed him, but no one can always be there. i was born into this cruel world alone; i just have to deal with things by myself. he has the absolute most amazing 2 year old, zion. i love that little boy to pieces. he lives with his mother in allentown, pennsylvania. money's extremely tight, on his end as well as mine, so we haven't gotten the chance to get zion for a weekend in a while. it's taking a toll on robbie—which is is affecting me in the worse way. he's gotten very distant and aggy, which is totally understandable; i get that way sometimes, so i can't really bitch and moan. but it's been like this every day for a week—it seems a hell of a lot longer. it gets to the point where i wouldn't hear from robbie for days at a time. i can't remember the last time we had a normal conversation on the phone. Sometimes i think my love and affection can be overwhelming, but it hasn't changed since day one, and he’s always said he wants someone to care for him and zion, and i've done nothing but that. shakespeare did say the course of true love never did run smooth; i guess this is just one of those rough patches. Some are starting to doubt our relationship; my sister said “this is why you’re supposed to have them lined up.” the fact of the matter is simply that i don’t care for that lifestyle. i don’t want to look. every sunrise, every sunset; i want him by my side. in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. i’ll continue to love him unconditionally, to support him in his goals, to honor and respect him, to laugh with him and cry with him, and to cherish him for as long as we both shall live. i don’t want anyone else other than robert dominique rios.

#1

this is about the 20th blog i've started; definitely exaggerating, but you get the point.. i've tried to digress from the typical "it's all about me" blog that i'm so well known for and blogged about everything else. as a dancer/event planner/writer/reality televison whore, it was fun to keep you updated from time to time about the colorful box of crayons i call the world, but i fought the urge to discuss my personal life, which left me no choice but to keep everything bottled inside. i tend to be a ticking time bomb once that happens, and that definitely is the worst thing possible. So here i am, yet again, blogging my life away. another introduction? ehh; seems appropriate. they only get better as time goes by…

ava-marie. sounds somewhat boughie, i know. people have often mistaken me for a white girl—until they see my face and see a bronzed chink. brooklyn born—a true city girl at heart. a dancer since the age of 4, until life hit me with some bullshit called fibromyalgia—look it up. my mother wanted one of those cultured children: ballet class and piano lessons every week. the piano, i got tired of, but ballet, i resent her for letting me quit the first time. i’ve spent quite a while trying to find myself—to figure out who ava-marie really is. at 19, this bothered me, but now at 20, i quite frankly don’t give a shit if i should have figured out what to do with my life. it’ll come to me, eventually. you know, the fact that i can admit that just showed me that i have some sense of an identity. i’m high maintenance, a shopaholic, insecure, open minded, classy, a rebel, contradictory; the list can go on for a while. but those who know me, love me, and those who don’t—tough shit.

i have a very small circle of friends; it’s actually more of some other shape with corners, because my friends rarely intermix. to go into detail about them would be a waste of 3 precious minutes of my life, so i won’t. they’ll all appear about 20 times throughout the summer.

i can go on forever with this intro, but i don’t want to…