Saturday, July 26, 2008


so it turns out that sleeping at night and i don’t get along? eh . . . so i’m staring at the computer for no apparent reason. just thinking. a slight headache’s coming along.

now would be the ideal time to blog about things like my relationship. i feel like i’ve been putting it off because i don’t want to admit that i’ve, maybe, lost control. robert and i happened so fast; us meeting and getting together seemed like one swift motion.
last night, naica asked when he proposed to me. it wasn’t a real proposal. he didn’t get down on one knee—not that i want that sort of cliché proposal, because i don’t—and he sure as hell didn’t have a ring. where would he get it from—the gum ball machine? it was, literally, a carrie and bigs type proposal from the sex and the city movie. it was more of a discussion, a negotiation, a business transaction, a deal for the rest of our lives. we were supposed to be married after i turn 24 and have our first child together before i turn 26. we’d always talk about making zion a big brother. i wanted a little girl: yuri rios. it’s funny when i’d see kids on the street that resemble me or him, or a blend of the two. on our way to the beach last week, we saw this adorable little girl sleeping on the train. even kay said she looks like a rios offspring.

maybe things would be so much easier if i didn’t already have it planned out in my head. that’s my problem. i tend to plan my whole life; have this architectural set up, down to the tee. when things go off course, it feels like the end of the world, everything’s upside down. it’s weird. i don’t really know why i do that.

one morning around 4am, i was watching er on my laptop, and one of the doctors had her son brought in, unconscious. when he regained consciousness, he just cried and bawled and wailed. i cried and bawled and wailed right along with him. [it was more of a sob, actually] i just thought about zion. i remember that day i had him with me. every time i think about that day, i get teary-eyed. with a belly-full of veggie tale fruit snacks, hand-fed cold cuts, and orange juice, he took his only nap for the weekend laying on me. i remember screaming at rob for playing around with his football team when we needed to start getting ready to go to dinner, and zion ran up next to me and started screaming “robbie!” [it sounded more like wobbie, but it was the cutest thing, none the less] rob and i would joke about running away together, and he’d always say we’d have to make pit stop in allentown to get zion. maybe if zion wasn’t involved, this would be less painful.

i know i’m young, and I’ve been told that i shouldn’t be worrying about who i’ll be spending the rest of my life with. i’m not worrying; i have my mind made up. i know may sound quite psycho and it sounds like i may be experiencing what they call an unrequited love, but you’d understand if you were in my shoes and if you experienced what i’ve experienced with men in general, then meeting robert. i’m not this way because of my emotions, only. rob’s told me he wished he’d put a ring on my finger first. [yes, he was engaged to zion’s mother, but he caught her cheating—literally, caught in the act.] he’s told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and have a family. i’ve never had any male encourage me to follow my dreams. [fuck, now i’m crying.] he told me he wanted to take care of me. it just hurts to bad. this whole flip came way out of left field. i know i deserve better, and probably, there are plenty of men out there that can do that for me, but i don’t think i want to find them.

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