#23

i'm remotely stressed, i guess. i'm sitting at my dining room table with my mother & roxy and we're just talking about random things: getting puppies, bubbles, old rock bands. it's starting to hit me, this robert thing. i keep getting teary-eyed. i really do love him, but love doesn't involve the hurt i'm going through. so i'm going to start loving myself more. i can't keep putting my well being on a back burner because i have this view of happiness with a person. i feel like i'm separated; skipping the marriage process, i suppose. that was the joke for the day. we're all down here so i'm trying my hardest to hold the tears in.

i haven't stayed in bed, eaten ice cream, or tried to contact robert in about a week, though he did text me a bullshit text, asking if i forgot about him, on saturday. i'm going out every chance i get. i can't do this to myself. it's bad enough that damn near everything reminds me of him.

i think i need to be alone for a while? maybe? shit, if i were to start dating again, i don't think i'd know what to do, or how to react. i was talking to a friend earlier about this; i told her i feel like i'd fall flat on my face and make an ass out of myself. i guess i have this mentality when it comes to the male species. i'm super affectionate, so i tend to be drawn to the more affectionate type. you don't show affection = you don't care. i just want someone to be there. someone to hold me and tell me everything's alright. a lot of guys now aren't like that, and the ones that are, are already taken. i'm supposed to not look for love. i'm really not looking though, but it would be nice to have someone love me, other than myself.

crying . . .