#44

so today was the big day. daddy has the surgery for the parkinson's disease. i woke up at 4am and spent twelve hours at methodist hospital in park slope. the doctors performed a procedure called deep brain stimulation [dbs], where electrodes are implanted into the brain and connected to a small electrical device called a pulse generator that can be externally programmed. dbs can reduce the need for levodopa and his other medications, which in turn decreases the involuntary movements that are a common side effect of levodopa. it also helps to alleviate fluctuations of symptoms and to reduce tremors, slowness of movements, and gait problems.

today was phase one. they screwed some contraption onto his head threw is forehead. literally, it was over his eyebrows and went into his skull. when the doctor wheeled him away to run some tests, he had a cloth over his head to cover it. on his way back, the doctor stopped the wheelchair in front of me and daddy asked me to come into the room. i refused to. i stayed in the waiting room with my sketchbook. i had a shitload on my mind, but couldn't seem to get any of it out. mommy came to get my camera. for some odd reason, she wanted memories of this day. i was thinking about posting the pic she took, but it's too gruesome; on some jigsaw saw iv type business. that was it for me. i cried--and cried and cried. i cried myself to sleep on the waiting room couch for about an hour or two.

we hit up the cafeteria for some breakfast, since no one really ate. then mommy and cecile fell out in the cafeteria's garden, while i went back to my sacred waiting room couch. i fell out, yet again. that was my fourth nap for the day. about two hours after that [which was probably the seventh hour in the hospital], the procedure was over and doctor came to get us to see daddy. the whole time, my sister was whispering to herself "don't cry! don't cry!" the doctor was explaining to mommy that there was difficulty finding something they were looking for in his head, so that prolonged the procedure. that made my eyes tear up like crazy. as soon as daddy looked at me and told me to come over, i was gone, which started the chain reaction of everyone else crying: cecile, then mommy. i just couldn't stop. the nurse kept hugging me, trying to calm me down. i continued crying about half an hour after i left his room, while i attempted to call the store and tell them about my potential lateness for tomorrow.

turkey foot long from subway. at about 6pm, we headed back to the recovery room to see daddy before we headed home. he went to sleep after the first time we went to see him because he had a major headache and he needed his rest, and he was still asleep when we got there, so we stayed around until he woke up. his head had a lot of lumps in it [mommy said it's from the wires in his head], and the gauzes were getting bloody. eventually, i began to feel nauseated and dizzy. 7pm hit, i gave daddy a kiss, said the i love yous, and headed home.

now he just has to heal. at the end of the month, daddy has to go back for phase two: they insert some battery type things into his chest. mommy said it's a pace maker. then he has to heal from that. after that healing is phase three: he has to go back one more time to get it activated.

i've never been so afraid in my life. during that long ass procedure, all i could think about was "what if they mess up?" seriously; would i really be without my father? today's august 19th; it would've been my god father's 60-something'th birthday. i would've been the worst feeling to lose my daddy today . . .